By Awais Masood

If you are one of those young converts to a new ideology or a religious school of thought and you are eager to preach your own ideologies to others at the expense of their own prior held beliefs, just because you are a bigot and cannot tolerate their ideas, then this guide will definitely act as a source of information that will lead towards effective preaching. This guide will take a well known Pakistani religious preachers organization as a case study for successful preaching. For the sake of brevity, we shall call them as JJs.

Remember that preaching is an art. Just as it is impossible to become a good artist by just reading history and theory of art, it is equally impossible to become a good preacher by just reading ideologies. Just have a look at the JJs. Do they ever read? It is a fact that large number of them cannot read anything. Those who are fortunately literate would never try to read. But still they are the masters of monologues who can continue their holy lectures for hours if the listener is dumb enough to ignore the contradictions in their own statements. We all need to take a few leaves out of their book.

Though Preaching is an art but it still requires systematic planning and execution. Therefore it is also a science. It is confusing but you must remember that confusion is the first qualification to become a modern day preacher. It is necessary that you are systematic and disciplined in your preaching efforts or otherwise your efforts may go in vain.

Let us chalk out a few important aspects of effective preaching.

Preachers must gather at a common place for preaching to each other and new converts. At grass root level, such meetings could be organized at a house of a willing or unwilling preacher. At a national/international level a grand annual gathering should be organized near the outskirts of a large metropolitan. Apart from spiritual alleviation of the locality, it will also serve as a boost in the economy of that area by prompting honourable middle-class book publishers to erect stalls in order to sell sectarian and hate literature. It will also serve to keep illiterate, proletarian labourers and house workers, from nearby rural areas, at their homes as they shall not be able to commute to the city in order to work and hence rob the respectable city dwellers of their well earned money.

The economic aspects of preaching will also include the sale of CD/DVDs containing lectures delivered by the renowned religious scholars of your organization. Some of these scholars could be out-sourced to TV channels for delivering lectures and issuing fatwas to kill the followers of other schools of thought. These programs will easily secure sponsorships from Pinto Pan Masala, Chand Sitara Lawn, Taweez-dhaaga and Steroid Hakeem Limited, and most importantly uPod from Mango Inc. to listen to mp3/mp4 versions of these lectures. You must be proud to contribute to the economic development of Islamic Republic of Pakistan in such a way and please do not give a heed to those idiot Marxists who claim that buying such consumer goods strengthen the imperial capitalist world system. There is no such thing; it is only some Kuffar (infidels) having legitimate trade with us.

Preachers must show symbolic unity. It could be achieved through a common dress code such as white Shalwar and Kurta (local loose trousers and shirts).

Local grass root preaching ought not to be random but rather carefully planned and targeted. Remember that not all subjects respond equally when preached. Random preaching will only result in wastage of useful energy and time of the preachers. Use the community preacher meetings to discuss and decide upon prospective converts.

Those who are willing to preach their religious ideologies in Pakistan should take into account a few important perspectives. It is obvious that they will be mostly preaching to those who are already Muslims (as Pakistanis have already succeeded in chasing most of the minorities out of country and those remaining are a work in progress). They must remember that local Muslims could be divided into a lot of categories. The most important of these are:

1.    Fanatic Muslims
2.    Fundamentalist Muslims
3.    Traditional Muslims
4.    Moderate Muslims
5.    Confused Muslims
6.    Progressive Muslims
7.    Agnostic Muslims
8.    Atheist Muslims

Your preacher fellows may love to pounce upon the last two categories but beware not to go near these people. They are mostly educated, well-learned intellectuals who know almost everything much better than your preachers. You may not want to lose your precious young energetic converts to their intellectual, bookish gibberish.

Similar is the case with the fanatics. Most of them are ready to blow themselves up in public and they believe that they shall receive seventy virgins for such an entertainment. So there is no point preaching to these people if they do not belong to your school of thought.

The fundamentalist Muslims are also close to the fanatics and perhaps you and your preacher comrades belong to this category. Some of them are working to bring the system of imperial, dynastic monarchy back to the Muslim world. Some of them also bear a hidden urge in their hearts to bring slavery back to this world so that they may fill their harems with as much concubines/slave-girls as they can support (purchase).

The traditional and moderate Muslims are the common, everyday people living their lives, the former being relatively more concerned about religious rituals and practices. These people are good potential candidates for accepting your ideology.

The progressives are another pain for the preachers. These educated morons have got a lot of problems with preachers and can get quite reactionary when delivered sermons. They harbor some strange ideas such as free-thought, rationalism and reforms. Try to avoid these pro-reformists but in case you get into an argument, accuse them of being misguided by Satan and Jewish Propaganda and issue fatwas of infidelity to subdue them.

The preachers must devote all of their energies to the most important raw material for ideological brain washing; the confused Muslims.

This group consists of young men and women, mostly students, in their late teens and early twenties, suffering from existential despair and identity crisis. Most of them have got quite busy schedules that include going to college and university to study and discuss Star Plus dramas and conspiracy theories involving Jews and free-masons, returning back home, tuning to the sports/soap-opera channel for some time, planning a dine-out with friends, switching to Zakir Naik’s lecture/debate with a Christian missionary and feeling proud, switching to MTV Pakistan for some time, taking a break from TV to log on to facebook in order to join all groups and causes with names similar to Save Islam, I Love Alicia Silverstone, I Hate Jews, I Love Hitler, I Hate Bush, I Love Osama, I Hate USA, I Love Mcdonalds, I Love Priyanka Chopra, I Hate Hindus, I Love Katrina, I Hate Indians and I Love Maududi/Dr. Israr etc. The online session may also include an online debate (by copy and pasting material from websites created to serve the purpose of such holy warriors) with an infidel from another school of thought on a forum dedicated to propagate hatred and schism. It may also include a regular chat with a non-Muslim (preferably American) in order to convert him/her to Islam (and marry him/her).

This online session is usually followed by a dine-out at a restaurant owned by a multinational chain headquartered in USA. In case of our young men, the dine-out is usually followed by a session with the prospective partners in the envisioned rock band. The ladies certainly prefer watching soap-operas. The post-dinner time could go to latest Hollywood/ Bollywood flicks which may switch to porn after midnight. Post midnight activities may also include having an obligatory phone conversation with a local girl/boy friend using the Chotee Raat-Lambi Baat package from another multinational company.

The most significant symptoms of being confused include growing and shaving beard four times a year. Confused ladies usually offer a similar treatment to scarf.

The preachers should concentrate on such people as they are evidently searching for a purpose in life. The preachers should undertake a detailed personality analysis of the confused person. Fresh converts who may have remained friends of the subject may help in pointing out the immoral activities that he had gone through such as buying vulgar CDs from the nearest video store and smoking a sheesha with a girl friend etc.

Once the personality analysis and background checks are complete, the preachers should head to the house of the subject in group no less than five people. Make sure that all the preachers abide by the dress code. The preaching day should be selected carefully. Select a night when the subject is studying for an exam which is scheduled for the next day. This strategy takes its roots from the fact that people are most vulnerable when they are under pressure and exams are the greatest source of mental pressure for students. Do not ever feel any guilt regarding the impact your preaching may have on the young student. This country needs your ideology much more than a doctor, engineer, scientist, artist, manager or an infidel philosopher.

Once the subject comes out of his house and your group of preachers have surrounded him, one of your experienced preachers should start a monologue without a break. Do not let the poor subject think. Tell him, how sinful he had been throughout his life. Let him realize that all the political problems, that Pakistan faces, from Zardari being a President to the suicide bomb attacks, are due to the shamefully ignorant and sinful life he had spent till that day. Tell him that the only way towards the solution of such problems is to attend the regular preacher meetings at the local preachers’ headquarters. Do not leave him till he is mentally broken enough to fail the exam next day.

Always make sure that you bring along at least one relatively educated person in your group just in case the personality assessment goes wrong and it comes out that the subject belongs to a forbidden category. The educated preacher may save your skin if an argument starts. In any case you are always free to declare a non-cooperative subject as an infidel (Kafir).

Author’s Note

The author welcomes all sort of fatwas against him but please do not waste your time in issuing fatwas of Marriage Annulment as the author is still a bachelor.

Publisher’s Note

Coming soon from the same author:

1. An Idiot’s Guide to Start an Underground Cult (and Get Rich)
2. A Beginner’s Guide to Initiate and Maintain a Jihadi Outfit (and Get Rich)